I love listening to people tell great stories. My family is replete with story tellers. No doubt some of the tales are tall, but I love it nonetheless. Being part of a tradition of storytelling and exaggeration makes my heart sing. More likely than not this love of storytelling is what motivated me to become a writer.
Often we are so busy thinking of how we will respond we don’t take time to really listen. Listening is the most important contribution you will make when communicating. I love it when I am working with a person who uses English as a second language. I really have to concentrate if they are new to the language and I enjoy this type of communication greatly. I don’t afford the same patience though with native English speakers.
My thought is that people who are English as a second language are often speaking in non-controversial ways, whether they are seeking information or conveying small talk. Native English speakers are on occasion expressing controversial opinions, and that leads me to pre compose my “comeback”.
I think you can tell this is a terrible way to communicate. I have to make a real effort to understand another person’s point of view and that requires listening. My aim for 2023 is to be better at listening.
Communication is a critical skill that we all need to become proficient at. Remember a time when you really felt listened to. Do you recall fondly that person who heard you? Imagine gifting someone your complete and undistracted attention. Consider their opinion of you. I don’t believe we should guide our lives seeking positive opinions, but if you are interested in influencing others, you must start by listening to understand their position. The result of listening will be the high regard of the person who is doing the talking. You don’t have to agree with their opinion, but listening fully and attentively will show your respect for the person and that will go a long way in their giving you full attention to you when it’s your turn.
The second part of communication is helping others understand what you need them to know. Often when we are experts in our field, we don’t really understand how our deep knowledge doesn’t get offered to people who are new to learning our skill. We leave out a lot. Become better at communicating by thinking of the person who needs your information as a young child. Break down important steps so they are understandable, and provide concise information so they can be successful. Be patient. It takes a long time to be as skilled as you are.
Picture your favorite hobby. Now picture telling your neighbor how you go about creating or participating in your hobby. More likely than not you will offer a few key skills or practices, but you won’t go into depth with all that is needed to become proficient. Picture training a co worker on an essential task that you have done over and over. More likely than not you will leave out key steps because they are so ingrained in the way you perform, you forget you do them. Now imagine teaching a young child the same task. You’ll have to include many more steps because you know they haven’t been exposed to what you are teaching.
Finding ways to keep your information concise but also abundant with information is challenging, but well worth the effort. Not only will you get a hit of pride, you’ll gain esteem from the person you are communicating with.
What steps do you need to take to become a better listener?
Make eye contact
Be aware of the communicators body language, we are inclined to understand more than just words
When you become distracted thinking about your counter points, just say to yourself, “Stop.”
Don’t get distracted by others, remain fully focused on the person you’re speaking with
Ask questions when you don’t understand
Repeat back what you thought you understood to gain clarification
What steps do you need to take to become a better communicator?
Start with a clear plan of what you want to impart
Ask where they are starting, do they already have an understanding of the topic
Slow down when you are speaking
Put yourself in the receivers shoes, do they know the circumstances, objects, or tasks you are referring to
Take time to check in to make sure you are being clear with your intention
Ask if they have questions
A couple of years back I was at a holiday party at my neighbors house. I was new to the area and didn’t know them well, but was pleased to attend their shindig and get to know more people in my community. The host was remarkable. I watched her wave to new arrivals while never disengaging from the person she was speaking with. Once the person had finished with their “story” she excused herself and moved on to another guest to welcome them and help them settle in. She kept this up all evening and I believe every single person felt the warmth of her welcome and basked in her undivided attention. It was a good lesson for me, as a socially insecure person I learned that people want to be acknowledged, and will shine if you pay attention to them. I learned that in a conversation I don’t have to be the person who speaks the most. Have you ever been in a conversation with someone who is more interested in being right than exchanging views? Don’t be that person. That is the path to loneliness. Be on the path that others want to walk with you. I didn’t live in that neighborhood very long, and I doubt she remembers me, but I’ll not forget her.
Making an impact as a great communicator will leave an impression. Impressions have value. Whether you are trying to make professional or social gains, people will remember you and want to see you succeed if they felt listened to and respected by you. They will remember you if you took time to instruct them thoughtfully and allowed them the opportunity to gain clarification.
If you want to learn more about communication, I suggest you investigate Toast Masters. It’s not just a group for public speaking, it is a group that will help you hone your communication skills, and hone your skill at accepting criticism.
Did you know I have a podcast? You can find it on Spotify.
My latest book “Never Worry About Money Again: Gain Financial Freedom by Becoming Better at Managing the Money You Have” is on pre sale and will be published February 1, 2023 and my next book is in the works, keep following my blog to get updates when new works are available.
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