Is This Cheating?

Back in mid-April, I started what has become a pretty chaotic late spring season. 

We flew to Atlanta for a wedding that included many social gatherings. I have anxiety which has been challenging to manage over the past two years so the many events were hard on me, but I managed with the use of some drugs, even though I say in my headline I don’t manage stress with drugs. 

How do I square this? Am I a liar? Not really. 

After we went to the wedding we flew home picked up our car and went car camping for two weeks in the American Southwest. It was glorious, but not without challenges as well. 

Upon return home, we hosted a lovely Mother’s Day luncheon. I served tarragon chicken, dauphinoise potatoes, and a pretty lemon Swiss roll cake, filled with berry jam and a coconut cream cheese frosting. After that, we hosted my spouse’s son for about a week. 

All the travel and hosting required a lot of planning, something I love, but also it was stressful and disruptive to my regular schedule. The stress and disruption and socializing led to poor dietary habits, too much wine and cocktails, and weird sleep habits. 

Although I hiked a lot during our two-week camping trip, once home everything came to a halt. I also admit the news cycle has been really crazy and upsetting lately, and of course, the news outlets are great at providing an emotional response to which I have always been susceptible. 

This week I am endeavoring to get “back on track”, by that I mean eating well, exercising, meditating, and more. I’ve been frozen and unable to complete small tasks even though it’s been over a week since our last house guest left. And I admit that over the time frame between mid-April and now, I’ve accomplished few of my typical goals. 

This is how I will move forward to gain control of my spiraling life. But before I tell my secret to gain control, I want to be clear – I take antidepressants and have for about six months. I also asked for and received a tranquilizer to help me manage the flights, which causes anxiety for me as well. I used them by taking a half pill before we took off and it worked well. A minimal dose for what I knew would be a high-anxiety event. I always think of how unnatural it is to fly, often I’m left drained and emotional, so my use of prescription drugs to manage a short duration event is different in my estimation than on going drug use for daily stress. My use of antidepressants is coming to an end as I aim to wean off over the next few months. My use was in relation to a two year period of anxiety that was not getting better, no matter how much I tried. Now that I feel better, I’ll see what happens when I wean, if it works great, if not I’ll carry on. 

Many things can lead to an imbalance of emotions and coping for me, so I’ll do what I can to be well. If that means taking antidepressants I will, but I’m feeling confident that I can wean and go back to a balanced life. 

 Now for the method- 

 1. I will engage in a news moratorium. I recently realized I was bingeing on the news, and that it was winding me up. 30 days with no news should break the cycle. 

 2. I will gain control over my food consumption. Between the flights and the road trip (we drove about 3000 miles) my diet has been a disaster compared to what I normally consume. While I’m not 100% plant-based, I’ve been about 90% plant-based for a few years. Well, that did not hold but I must get back to eating in a manner that leaves me feeling great. 

 3. I will meditate daily. I stopped being regular with this practice, and this contributed to what I would consider a mini-crisis in my aims and confidence. 

 4. I am committed to exercise daily. I have struggled to incorporate a routine. I know from experience that you must act to become motivated, not become motivated to act. The more I act the more I’m motivated to achieve. 

 5. I will read for pleasure. This has been a source of joy for me my whole life and experiencing joy is something I need to experience every day in order to be the best I can be at the tasks that are required for daily living. 

 6. I will record how it’s going in a journal. Writing by hand, in a lovely journal will help me stay on track and provide a record of my achievements. 

 7. I will avoid sleeping pills, melatonin, or other sleep aids and use the skills taught to me by my counselor to sleep better. 

 8. When asked how I’m doing I will say I am doing better all the time because I am, and stating this out loud reinforces this fact in my mind. 

Please note, that all the actions I want to take may be modified as I move forward. Also, note that nothing on my list includes buying anything. Everything is free and simply requires focus and commitment. When you consider the things I listed in the title of this blog, they all are a bandage for the challenges I face. 

For example – Junk food will taste great while it’s hot from the vendor, but it will leave me feeling greasy and lethargic. The lethargy will dampen my feelings for a short while, but that’s it. 

Shopping has never been my thing although I do notice during times of stress my online shopping goes up. Similar to junk food, a package arriving in the mail is exciting but that excitement is temporary. 

I need long-term solutions and everything I’ve listed as a solution is maintainable over long periods of time. Drugs and alcohol have the same effect as junk food. 

Lethargy is not the same as healing. Healing comes from actions that are healthy and positive. Drugs and alcohol are not healthy and they are expensive. There are no positive effects from using, and although I don’t have an addiction, that can’t justify the harmful effect drugs or alcohol will have on me. 

I hope my example of organizing change is helpful. My experience has been that change is good and challenging, and I struggle to commit because I always strive to predict the future. 

Change means marching into the unknown, I hope to march forward and take change with grace. If you are looking for journals to record your thoughts and experiences, I created several that are available on Amazon.