Did you grow up in an era when people borrowed an egg from their neighbor?
There was a time when we lived in neighborhoods and we knew our neighbors. Today we are a society of people who know little about each other. Up to one in six people report not knowing any of their neighbor’s names.
Who cares? You should care; neighbors can be a great source of social interaction. Neighbors can also be weird and you should know that as well. Don’t be that person on the news saying, “He kept to himself.”
What drives this isolation? We get social credibility differently than we used to. In times past we hoped the people next door liked us and that we liked them, that our kids would play together, and that if we needed a little help, they would show up with shovels for our snowy pathway. In return, we would welcome them in on a wintery day when their heater went out.
Don’t get me wrong I’m not lamenting how things used to be when I was a young woman, things are much better now. But we have challenges we should face and conquer. Isolation is one challenge we all would be better off without.
We spend our time worrying about what others think of us; meanwhile, they are worried about what we think of them. We compensate and attempt to garner attention by styling our wardrobes with the latest fast fashion, driving new model vehicles we can barely afford, and dining in high-demand restaurants.
When I began my post, I mentioned borrowing an egg from a neighbor for a reason - do you know your neighbors? If you are short an egg for the cake you’re baking would you feel comfortable running next door and asking to borrow an egg? Are you getting social lift from your new handbag, or for your brilliant conversational abilities?
More and more I consider how I invest my money, my time, and my effort. I want to invest rather than spend. Am I buying something I don’t need? Would that money do more for me if I invested it and increased my wealth? How about time? Am I spending time watching re-runs of Friends, or am I investing my time learning something unique that will increase my social value and mental acuity, or my ability to perform well on the job? Am I spending my effort trying to get people to like me because I participate in a superficial method of attention-getting, like social media, or am I making real heartfelt connections with people who have similar interests?
When I think about all the “shopaholics” I know, or “foodies” or “wine enthusiasts” I wish they could see that they are lovely and don’t need a ‘hook’ to define themselves. They are interesting just as they are.
I understand that having a social hook is a way to fit in, to be part of a club. To me the club of conspicuous consumption is misguided. It is a layer of disguise to hide who you are in your heart. If you are part of ‘club consumption’ take a moment to consider who you are without your membership. Are you a compelling person who has something to say about an interest in history, language, science, art, or something beyond lobster Thermidor? Naturally, if you are a chef, you should want to speak about lobster Thermidor, but if you simply want to brag about the last fancy restaurant you visited - that isn’t enough.
Consider actual clubs you know of. They require membership, they require participation, they require dues, and you will have to vote on the leadership team. Foodies, shopaholics, and wine connoisseurs don’t have any of those qualifiers. They only require surface-level participation. They require a social media account to post their new handbag, their beautifully presented meal, or their glass of Pouilly-Fuissé with a scenic vineyard in the background. This is not a true club, it is merely an association with others who will envy the lavish expense and wish they could also vacation in Burgundy, France. Others in the club of ‘showing off’ will post in response their new Louis Vuitton handbag, and another will respond with a photo of caviar on toast points.
None of this offers the neighborly connection of borrowing an egg. To borrow an egg you must humble yourself and admit you planned poorly. You have to give your time to engage in idle chit-chat. When your neighbor tells you about their back pain, their leaky sink, or their teenager who just got caught doing something awful, you’ll have to empathize and relate. Engaging in empathy and relating to your neighbor's challenges is the price of an egg. You will be a better person for having had this conversation. You’ll know that you have given another person the gift of time. You have invested in a relationship. You will be part of ‘Club Humanity’.
It’s essential to understand the value of Club Humanity. When things go bad, having a neighbor will be the difference between being okay and not being okay.
When I was a young mother I lived in a pretty sketchy neighborhood, but I knew most of my neighbors. One evening the woman who lived across the street was shot and killed by her estranged husband who was recently released from jail, where he was serving time for raping her. By the time the police came to escort me, my two kids, and my husband out of the area it was late in the evening. A neighbor invited us to hang out at his house. He offered us a place to sleep while the police worked out the situation. It was a kindness I’ll not forget, to have safety in a scary situation with my two-year-old daughter and my breastfeeding infant.
Relationships with others that rely on your sense of style, on the car you drive, or your taste in fancy wine won’t provide a couch to sleep on when the neighborhood is on fire. They are not investments of effort. After all, the barriers to entry are low. You don’t have to be clever, you only have to be willing to part with your hard-earned dollars to gain acceptance. In order to maintain your status you must be dedicated and constantly provide fuel for the other club members to consume.
Imagine spending effort learning something really amazing, and teaching that something to another person with a similar interest. Perhaps you love stained glass, or crochet, or you participate in a book club, or you are part of a social group that rehabilitates creek beds. When you run into a person you haven’t seen in a while and they ask what you’ve been up to you will be able to regale them with tales of your adventures versus letting them know you went to the mall. You’ll be interesting in fact instead of mildly annoying with your braggadocio.
Can you do both? Sure, but I submit that you’ll never get out of a shopping spree what you’ll get out of deeply felt social interactions. The more you engage the less likely you’ll find shopping, food addiction, or swell hard-to-pronounce wines intriguing.
I have three books that might be helpful, “Your Future Self: A Time Travelers Manifestation Workbook for Intentional Well Being” which offer a companion podcast or YouTube channel, “Never Worry About Money Again: Gain Financial Freedom By Becoming Better At Managing The Money You Have” and my moist recent book, “Your Golden Ticket Years: Find Your Passion on a Post Career Entrepreneurial Ride”. All are available on Amazon.
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